Today is Drew Barrymore’s 33rd birthday. Can you believe it? Sweetie Drew, who is currently sober, recently gave some advice for the drunken young celebs out there: pull it together for yourself. And she practice what she’s preaching. She doesn’t know it yet, but someday she’ll marry me, after she marries and breaks up with Justin Long (the Mac guy in the PC vs Mac TV ads).

I mean, I’d be just as happy marrying  lovely, elegant Natalie Portman, but I’m no Moby – despite my similar musical compositions. Moby, a true musical nerd, says he was a hated man during the brief time that he dated Portman. Something about dating Luke Skywalker’s mom, the dream of every Star Wars geek, caused them to be haters.

Portman and Scarlett Johansson appear onscreen together in the visually stunning period piece The Other Boleyn Girl, which opens Fri Feb 29th. The two young women teased everyone when the shared a kiss on the red carpet at the movie’s premiere recently. This is the same premiere at which Johansson unveiled her stunningly lame new tattoo.

Okay, I’d be happy marrying Scarlett Johansson too. But not Janet Jackson cause she’s a liar. A liar I tell ya. She only just finished saying last week that it’d be a long time before she ever got married again. But here she is asking designers for bridal gown samples. That probably means she’s now engaged to Jermaine Dupri.

And sorry but Jessica Simpson is out for me too. I mean, look at those big ass sunglasses. Girl’s too unstylish for me. Now while her Blonde Ambition movie may not be doing so well over here in N. America, the love her in the Ukraine.

I’m also ruling out Celine Dion and her skinny chicken legs. (Well okay, she’s already married.) But I have to hand her virtual kudos for taking son Rene-Charles to Africa to show him how good his life is. Um, is it me or is there some crazy irony here? His life is good because he’s the son of one of the most popular songstresses on the planet. We can only hope the lesson isn’t lost on this seven-year old.

I used to have a thing for Valerie Bertinelli, way way back, but she’s just revealed that she and Eddie van Halen cheated on each other. (She also mentioned briefly dating Steven Spielberg.) Not sure I want a piece of that, even if she’s single and still attractive at 47. And Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are just trampy troublemakers.